Click HERE to take a look at this offering from TheOnion. They were in the mock news business back in the day when Jon Stewart was still making bad movies. But, you know how it goes: start making fun of Republicans and soon enough you’ll be hosting the Oscars. But that is beside the point.
While funny, the video hits on a major cultural issue: What should you do with the kids when both parents feel the need to leave the house every day to go make money? Do you pay someone else to watch them? Do you get the retired relatives involved?
What I find even more interesting is that a good deal of the young couples I encounter on a daily basis, the majority of whom are just starting their families, have never even considered the option of one parent forgoing work outside of the home in order to focus on nurturing and encouraging their little ones for a few years before the kids have to leave the house for their formal education. What I have found is that a two-income home, with children in some form of third party childcare, is simply looked at as a given.
Now please, I have no intention of starting a firestorm of debate on this issue but I do think that followers of Jesus and students of the Bible are called to question such cultural assumptions and seek to lay them before the feet of God and ask, “Okay, what is your design? What’s best for building my family around you?”
The truth is that in the vast majority of cases a two-income home is a choice and not a necessity. Yes, it may be necessitated by the car notes we have, the home we’ve purchased, the day care we prefer, or child support we have to pay, but it is still a product of choices. And what I have highly encouraged young couples to do is ask themselves these questions:
- Do I want to accept the cultural expectations of how I should live my life and raise my family without first seeking to reconcile them with what I might find in Scripture?
- Do I really want to make my choices for how I will raise my children in their earliest and most formative years based on the kind of car I want to drive?
I recognize that this cuts against the grain from what has been preached in public square for the last 40 years in regards to marriage and family; where the message has been that while marriage and kids are generally a good thing they should never overshadow the love of self - which still supercedes all.
For example, a mom putting her dream of being a book editor on hold in order to be the primary nurturer in her children’s life between 9 and 5 before they head off to school (and her husband understanding that he is to do all he can to make it a joy) is considered a tragedy in comparison to the same two kids being raised by others while mom and dad follow their hearts.
I realize that there are plenty of Jesus-loving, good priorities, Bible-based, dual income homes - who have prayed about it, thought about it and decided that given their context, it is the best thing for them. For sure! With that said, let me offer my take on the Biblical view of marriage and family - one that should shape our choices of work and childcare - works on these principles:
- Marriage is a vocation and not a means of personal self fulfillment. That is, getting hitched is not only something that we do to make me happy (although this is part of it) it is first a calling, a role that we take on that has certain goals and purposes. Namely, when able, raising a family and building an environment that nurtures Jesus loving, neighbor loving people.
- Children are always a blessing…always. The Bible never, at any moment, speaks of children in negative terms. The bearing of children is always looked at as a positive thing, and the rearing of children as the highest, most noble cause that two people can undertake. Therefore, when a couple seeks to have children, raise children, and make sacrifices for their kids they should do so knowing that the Creator of the Universe smiles at this and will always, always provide for this.
- Marriage and family are essential to God’s mission. Take a look at the Bible and you’ll see that the number one way that God wants to bless this world, spread His message, and make change is not through overseas missionaries but through the building of Jesus focused families. Period. If you want to make a difference for Jesus the biggest thing you can do is raise a child in the faith, shape their values around scripture, and watch the ripple effect in your family tree and in your local community as those in your church do the same.
I know that this is a big issue - and that there are layers of complexity that one blog post could never begin to uncover. But I write as one whose own family has been wrestling with these issues for the last few years and has had to make some tough choices as a result. But in the end - anything is better than sending the kids to India. Seriously, you have to watch that video.
March 25th, 2008 at 7:25 am
It is a very tough choice. Chrissy and I thought about this decision and prayed about it for a long time. In the end, we just felt that it would be the best thing we could do for Lauren and our future children.
March 25th, 2008 at 8:46 am
When our kids were toddlers, the main reason we put them in 2 day a week “Mom’s Day Out” was because the other moms in my group had already done it. I don’t think the decision was necessarily bad, but we didn’t evaluate our reasons. The main reason I was a stay at home mom until our youngest was in Kindergarten was because my husband and I listened to “Dr. Laura” back then. If we had gone to a conservative church from the time our kids were 0-10, we might have considered a lower mortgage and possibly home schooling. Come to think of it, the liberal church we wound up at was because they had room in their Mom’s Day Out. We moved to Katy for the school district and I certainly don’t think that’s a bad thing, but I think we all need to be wary of letting that drive following the stereotypical Katy way of life of big mortgages, expensive activities for the kids, etc. My 9 year old son and I spent Spring Break together at home (Dad and daughter went on the Crosspoint youth trip) and I realized how many everyday things he didn’t know because his days are taken up by school, homework, TaeKwondo, etc. Again, those things are not bad, but need balancing. I thought it was a great week. He says we did a lot of weeding and ate a lot of eggs, but he says it with a smile.
March 25th, 2008 at 9:20 am
I have found that it is much more cost efficient to truck ship the kids to Mexico for the day. If you have more than two children the rates are better with DHL Shipping. We always a couple extra bottles of water and some crackers in the crate, that way we don’t have to worry so much about their fingers.
Seriously, there is no substitute for parents actually raising their own children. A child can only have one world-view, and if they spend a majority of their life with someone watching them for money, the world-view they will develop is a strange one. I think it builds the foundation for a lifetime of shallow relationships.
March 27th, 2008 at 10:18 am
I find that it is a blessing for me to have my wife stay home with our two young ones. I work. A lot. Most of the time my kids are asleep by the time I get home and are barely waking up when I have to leave. I will do this for as long as I have to. My kiddos get to spend every day with Mom at home. She gets to teach, nurture, love, and yes go insane with them. It is hard sometimes on one income to make things work, but the outcome is well worth it. We all like “things”and trust me I spend more than I should on smoothies, coffee, and wii accessories while my wife rarely ask for anything. God blessed me with a Mother Theresa of my own. My kids are lucky and I hope realize the sacrifices that mama has made for them. I also hope that by staying at home she can hone their skills and we cn eventually travel the country and play music and become a sort of Partridge Family for the 21st century. I guess we should learn to play and sing first. Peace and Love
March 27th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
I wish I was as smart as you 10 years ago. It’s sad, but true that most couples today don’t even consider having one of them stay at home. Society taught us that we must have and do it all. And without strong biblical values, most of us just don’t know any better. I’m so grateful to now have the opportunity to stay at home with my kids. I can’t tell you how many women I used to work with say, I wish I could do that. I try to gently tell them they could, it’s just a matter of priorities.
March 27th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
Rock on Ruthie. You are my hero!
March 28th, 2008 at 9:51 am
I took the time and am glad I did. When I learned we’d been blessed with a child, I decided to enjoy the entire journey. I quit work and spent the months preparing the house, working out, cooking what I craved, etc. Then she was here and it was such a thrill. I stayed home till she was in her final year in elementary school. This year she will graduate high school and time has indeed gone too fast. We still love spending time together, but I have to say some things will always be missed - little toes being offered up for kisses, sticky arms around your neck and even stickier lips on your cheek, and perhaps best of all, knowing that you alone have the kiss that cures all ails. It has been such a blessing and now I understand why my mother devoted her life to raising 5 monsters! Praise God for the experience.
March 31st, 2008 at 1:24 pm
This can’t be more true! My wife and I decided to go this route upon the expected arrival of our daughter last year. It caused us to asses our lifestyle in a chain-reaction sort-of way that has left us with a much simpler and happier existence. First, it made us realize where our money was going. Next, it made us realize how wasteful we were of our money and time. Then we realized how much money we didn’t need to be making. After that, we realized how much STUFF (unnecessary things) we had acquired and had to keep up with. Finally, we realized we could spend less, save more, spend more time together doing quality things together, and allow our daughter to grow up with Mom at home. My wife and I still can’t believe how much better off we are now. I thank God for opening our eyes to this when he did…He’s always right on time! Thank you Matt for posting an undoubtedly touchy topic to the suburbanites. I pray that it will change lives for the better!
April 1st, 2008 at 6:08 pm
good thoughts Matt. sometimes the decisions can be tough. As laypeople, on top of work we have our commitment to the church. knowing when we are taking on too much and when to say “I’m overloaded and can’t take on more” can be very difficult. The perceived notion that if I don’t do this, it won’t get done can be accurate, however, it needs to be balanced with the commitment to family.
April 17th, 2008 at 11:00 am
i was a sahm, one small income, one very small house, no shoes in the closet…just on my feet, teeth cleaned on a reg basis…what was that! i didn’t “give up” anything…except offering someone else the right to train, mold, love, hold, and give belonging to my child. pther then slavation i had the greatest rich…being a parent, full time…to my own child! wow. my home evenually became an “india” for over 30 plus children for 25 plus years. boy do i have stories to tell you! that you really don’t want to hear. i don’t see a debate…train up your child in the way he/she should go…it doesn’t say if or but…it says train! sounds like it is our job…and for good reason. being a christian who opened my front door to others children on a daily basis…was sad, very sad. shocked at the lack of pain. shocked at the lies. shocked at the level of guilt that still didn’t drive some to a different decision, shocked at how quickly little hands, eyes, and hearts turned toward me and said i love you…i hate my mommy. i am not the first to say…kids are not dumb. believe me…that statement goes deeper then i ever realized. i am sorry i had to learn how deep that goes throught the hearts and tears and pains of other peoples children. sad. crushing sad. many a night a cried myself to sleep. it’s amazing how a 600 sq ft home, a 30×60 garden, no tv, no vacation except a few weekends at the camp site an hour away, one car and a lot of together is bigger then then big! i pray you all really seriously consider what i means to you…to lay down your life…for the precious souls you have been richly blessed with. this is one topic that, yes, i do try to toot my own horn…i want others to hear me. it is just to important. got a week-month! ask me about it…. there are more orphaned children in our communities with fathers/parents then in our orphanages…i truely believe that. please consider.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
When I finally become a mother, I plan on working. My husband and I work hard. He is a quality technician for Coke and I am a massage therapist. I am passionate about what I do and I love it. I worked very hard to become a therapists. I worked and went to school full-time. So I don’t intend on fully giving that up. And no, I’m not going to “pass off” my child to someone else. Luckily in my line of work, I can have a very flexible schedule.
Plus, the extra income is, I feel, crucial. With a poor economy, raising gas and grocery prices, high unemployment rate and shakey real estate, have another income is almost vital. And no, we don’t go living beyond our means. But, Lord forbid, my husband lost his job. I would increase my hours until he found a job, of course. But I’m not going to completely give up all I worked so hard for, even if he had a substantial pay increase.
I have no objections to stay-at-home moms or dads at all. It’s whatever the people involved are comfortable with, so I applaud any decision they make.