I’m off of work this week, just hanging out at the house soaking in the family.  It’s crazy to me how when I’m home like this the amount of stuff I notice about my kid that I just don’t seem to catch when I’m zooming in and out of the house doing ministry.

Yesterday I discovered that she likes to use the word “delicious” to describe just about everything.  Apparently petting the cat is “dee-wish-us.”  Also, her new favorite phrase is, “I promise.”  Even though she clearly doesn’t grasp it’s appropriate context, which makes for good comedy.

Me:  Ava, how old are you?

Ava:  I promise!

Me:  Honey, that doesn’t make any sense.  You’re gonna be 3 in a few weeks, remember?

Ava:  Delicious.

 But by far the most interesting little phrase I’ve noticed quite a bit is this:  “Are you happy?”  And its close cousin: “Are you mad?”  As of late, these are the first words out of her mouth the moment after she’s corrected for doing something that’s clearly labeled as off-limits such as screaming, throwing a tantrum, or abusing the cat.  What’s most interesting to me however is that she really displays a desire to know if she’s fallen out of my or her mother’s favor.  It’s clear from the look on her face that she’s asking a bigger question with, “Are you happy” - it’s more of a, “You still love me, right?”  To which I always respond with, “Maybe.”  Just kidding.  Lisa and I are big on things like hugs, kisses, and words of affirmation, even as we enforce our very firm boundaries.

It’s actually proving to be a good little teaching point with her.  We get to remind her that although she is being held accountable for something she’s done wrong, it doesn’t pull the rug out from under our love for her.  Love is much bigger than momentary bursts of happy and sad - I can be frustrated, upset, and even downright disgusted with someone and still be in love them.

It sounds simple, but this is really where a good deal of people get tripped up in life - in their relationships and in their theology.  Too often we make the mistake in thinking that the point of a particular relationship is simply pleasing the other person.  We do everything to make them (our boss, our spouse, our mom, our God) smile.  And we end up living for the approval of others and at every turn asking the question, “Are you happy?  Do you love me?”

There’s no freedom, no joy in that kind of life.

On the flipside, right relationships (and right theology) are never purely, performance based.  Yeah, performance matters but so does stuff like forgiveness, understanding and mercy.  There is a greater glue that holds the relationship together that will not be undermined or called into question by one’s bad behavior.  For my kid, it’s the fact that she’s my daughter, born into my life.  Because of that, I will always love her, even though sometimes I will put her in time-out for talking back to her mom.  For the orthodox Christian, that glue is the work of Jesus on the cross applied to us in baptism.  Jesus died the death for all of the stuff that makes the Father “not happy” and poured it onto us.  Therefore he will always love me, even though I too might deserve a time-out for occassionally talking back to Ava’s mom.

I guess what then makes for good parenting, good relational housekeeping, and good theology is that when one wants to constantly ask that question, “Are you happy?  Do you love me?” we must constantly refer them to the greater glue that holds us together.  Then they’re free to live, love, and do right without worry of falling out of everybody’s favor.

Ava:  Are you happy?

Me:  Yes, I love you - you’re my daughter - but you cannot sit on the cat.

Ava:  Okay.  I promise.

Me:  Hey, you used it correctly.  Delicious!